I think I'll begin by saying a little about where my faith came from. I believe that, even though she didn't go to Mass in the latter years of her life, my grandmother gave me the gift of faith. She grew up in Ireland and her family was staunchly catholic. She was taught by nuns and enjoyed the rigmarole of Church and Catholicism. She was forced to come to England to look for work and here she met my granddad. They married in Church and my granddad converted to her faith. However, in her latter years, she developed agoraphobia - the fear of open spaces and almost never left the house. She became embittered and began to see God as a judge - as one who punishes. The reason I believe that she gave me the gift of faith is because something in me refuted what she believed. All the Gospel stories I read in the beautiful leather-bound Bible we browsed through together often, told of a Jesus and God who loved their own. They told of a God who heard the cry of His people and who responded with a deep and everlasting love. Could this possibly be the God who punished? Could this be the God who judged? Don't get me wrong, we will be judged by God, I firmly believe this. His judgement is not that of the law courts. No. His judgement is that of One who says: 'My child, I want you to know that I love you as you are, but I see who you are destined to become. Therefore see what I am asking you to do to change'.

It's really been a struggle for me to grapple with the demons of my past and get to the God of my heart. The God who says only one thing to me that lets me know I am His; my name. I had a powerful experience of this when I went to confession once. I won't go into the details and nitty-gritty of what I was confessing, but the priest got down on one knee and said: 'Karen.' That was all he said and I was profoundly touched by this. It meant, more than anything I'd heard or studied. For it meant that I am loved by God. Uniquely, profoundly and with an unconditional love that no one can destroy. I have spent a long time and much energy searching for my God; only to discover that I won't find Him 'out there', but deep in my heart. That's His dwelling and where He chooses to speak to me, to love me and to let me know that I am His. Just when we think we've found Him, He teaches us something new and beautiful about Himself and His world and so it's a lifelong pilgrimage of discovery.

I spent about six years in France 'trying' my vocation, but I knew, deep down that this was not where the Lord was calling me. I left with no intention of thinking about religious life again. It was a painful but grace-filled time for me. But, as usual, the Lord had other ideas. I first met the sisters of the Community of Our Lady of Walsingham when they were part of a discernment community in London - Cornerstone and then later when they moved here, to Abbotswick. Here, I have discovered yet another personality of God. He is always revealing different aspects of Himself and yet He is, paradoxically, unchanging. It is simply that we are not able to see Him as He truly is. Our time here is one of learning and discovery of ourselves. That which He has planted deeply in our hearts is the response to His call. Where He calls is where we will hear the echo of our response, again, paradoxically there already. For myself, I believe that I'll only find the answer to all my questions in Heaven; but I need a place to begin. In this small community of believers - the COLW, I feel a yearning in my heart to stay and listen to what the Lord is trying to tell me. It's true that no one knows the future just as no one has ever seen God. But from time to time, He allows me little glimpses of Himself just as He tells me little by little about the journey He wants me to undertake with Him.